I want to look back at the past ten years and tear it apart. I want to dissect and examine it, piece by piece until I find what I’m looking for.
The first post of any blog is always the hardest. It tends to set the tone; if not for the audience, then definitely for the author. With that in mind, I’ll strive to keep things interesting and upbeat. However, since it has been quite a few years since my last blogpost I’ll ask that you cut me just a bit of slack. I’m a bit rusty.
The current date is Saturday, the 2nd of June, 2018. In just under two months time, my twenties will come to an end as I tumble headfirst into the next big stage of my life. I’ve been anticipating my thirtieth birthday for a few years now, but as it barrels closer and closer I can’t help but look backward instead of forward.
I want to look back at the past ten years and tear it apart. I want to dissect and examine it, piece by piece until I find what I’m looking for. Truth be told, readers, what I’m looking for from this lifetime retrospective happens to be a great many things, but for the purpose of this blog post I’ll keep the context specific. What I want is a map. A delineation of each and every mistake I’ve made over the course of my career that has led me to where I am now.
This may sound a little bleak, but stick with me, I promise it picks up.
Every stumble and every fall over the course of the past ten years, both professional and personal has taken it’s toll on me. They’ve taught me hard learned lessons about life, love, work, and myself among other things. Some left me discouraged and disillusioned, others left me callous and closed off. Some have even been of my own design.
I committed to making some much needed changes in my life - I couldn’t afford to let this happen at this scale again.
So what, right? I’m not the only person who has ever made a mistake, took a hit, or slipped up. Every single person on this planet pays their own toll - it’s a fact of life. But in early January 2018, I woke up one Monday morning with nothing but moths in my wallet. I had been in the midst of a personal crisis for about four months at this point. It wasn’t the first, and probably won’t be the last but it had certainly been the worst up until this point. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do.
Just so you know, I still haven’t reached my point yet. Sit tight, we’re almost there.
Needless to say, with the support of my family, friends and my employer, I managed to pick myself back up. I committed to making some much needed changes in my life - I couldn’t afford to let this happen at this scale again. While exercising these changes I discovered a school of philosophy which, although challenging - and, at times, harsh - really resonated with me. Throughout the writings I had found kindred spirits - great men of history who, I was surprised to learn, had experienced similar feelings of despair, hopelessness and loneliness. The difference, I discovered, was that these philosophers did not roll over and give into that despair, but mused on ways to execute a better life. They strived for excellence as a purpose in every aspect of their lives, and through this purpose became that much closer to achieving what all of us pursue yet so few of us attain: true, inward satisfaction with oneself.
I’m speaking, of course, of Stoicism. Famous figures in history such as Marcus Aurelius, Cato, Seneca and Epictetus were all practising Stoics. Some modern Stoics include Tim Ferris and even Bruce Lee. In fear of this post turning into one solely about Stoicism - a post I am nowhere near qualified enough to write - and if you would indulge me, reader, I’d like to tell you a story of how a single aspect of Stoicism helped me to make massive changes in my professional life.
My entire career I have felt like a blocked pipe. I’ve been stuck in the mud. I’ve been convinced of my inability to achieve my potential. Some days I have been convinced I didn’t even have any potential. This mindset led to me becoming a walking existential crisis, constantly asking myself difficult questions and searching for meaning.
“Am I in the right field?” I wondered.
“I hate Software Development!” I screamed!
“I’m not good enough for this…” I moaned.
Over the years I had handed over all of my self-worth to my ego, and it did not have kind things to say.
As I moved from job to job, trying to find my place and meeting set back after set back, deep Imposter Syndrome set in. My self-esteem plummeted. I eventually lost the will to learn because if I didn’t know it by now I was never going to. Almost a decade of this poisonous, self-amplifying mindset ate at me like an acid, and certainly contributed in large amount to my crisis in the new year.
And it was out of this crisis I discovered just how intricate and cunning my ego really is. For years I was assured I had no ego, how could I if I judged myself so harshly? Ego meant pompousness, machismo, big headed-ness. That little voice that was telling me I was no good? That wasn’t my ego, that was my own pure, objective thought. How could it be anything but right?
My ego was happy to let me believe this. My ego was my enemy. It still is.
Stoicism teaches many things, but one thing I have taken closer to heart than anything else is is the lesson above. It has become my mantra. Over the years I had handed over all of my self-worth to my ego, and it did not have kind things to say. However, through Stoic practises like journalling, reflection and meditation I have managed to take back a modicum of control. Every day I make an effort to read my own personal 12 Rules and to uphold them as best as I can. What I have witnessed is that this succeeding change in my behaviour has reaped untold benefits in my work. I’m find myself far more attentive and effective, and no longer is my nine-to-five a prospect of despair. My work is engaging and exciting once again - the pursuit of excellence, in all aspects of my life, driving me forward. I’m not saying that I’m perfect - far from it. But each day I try to be as good as I can be, and that’s all that matters.
My Imposter Syndrome has receded to a point where I am no longer afraid to ask potentially silly questions in my place of work for fear of appearing foolish, because, hell, who am I to know everything? I’m not saying I’ve been miraculously cured. The impostor inside me is still alive and well, constantly challenging my decisions and trying to make me doubt myself. He’s just a lot quieter these days. My ego is still around too, and he chimes up every now and then. He tells me I suck less and less these days, but it’s just as important to ignore him (or her) when he praises you. You alone know your own true value.
Gratitude has become a very important part of my life, and that is why I want my map.
I told you I’d tell you a story about how a single aspect of Stoicism has changed my life, and I have done just that. However, there is one more thing I would like to mention, and that is the importance which Stoicism places on gratitude. During times of great trial my Father used to remind me of how much I had to be grateful for. At the time, of course, I didn’t listen. How I wish I had - because gratitude has become a very important part of my life, and that is why I want my map. I want to see those mistakes, I want to chart the trajectory of my errors that lead me to that cold morning in January. Not because I want to see where I went wrong and how I could have corrected it, but instead because I am grateful for every single one of those mistakes. I want to look back, reflect on each moment and be thankful it happened because they have led me to where I am today: happier, more engaged, and fulfilled with my work.
Hopefully this will serve as a good example to some of you as to how closely philosophy and the personal side of software development can be intertwined. Imposter Syndrome is very real and can have devastating affects. It is impacting your life negatively please talk to someone about it, and hell, maybe even give Stoicism a try? I highly recommend Daily Stoic as a first stop, it’s daily email has inspired me to action on many occasions.
And for the cynics among you who ask what this post could possibly have to do with software development, at the very least I’ve managed to solve a problem by using a pre-existing solution. Which, I’m sure you’ll agree, is very much in the spirit of “Don’t reinvent the wheel”, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it ;)